Saturday, October 13, 2012
Do I matter? What's the point of life? Am I really just a speck? What's the point of the system? What's the point of a life when I'm wasting it in school, wasting it on a system that is only keeping me down? If I never even existed, wouldn't the world move on and not even be affected by my absence? Do I mean anything at all? What's the point of living if everyone else only cares about themselves and if I can't even live? These are only the string of questions that I've been thinking about lately and that I wonder about in random moments. Lately, I've been having one of these existentialist crises and I haven't really known how I'm supposed to handle it. Every moment that I'm in school, I can't help but think that it doesn't have a purpose and is only inhibiting me from living my life. I don't even know what to think and how I'm supposed to act about all of this.
This is laughable, I know. Most kids aren't even thinking things like this but they just take things without thinking about it. They go through their monotonous daily lives and they don't even think twice about doing so. I've never been one of those kids, though, and so I stare at them all confused. I can't fit into the system no matter how hard it tries to shove me into its square hole, but I can only look from the outside and stare at them.
Yet that apathy angers me so much that I want to scream. No one cares about anyone else, it seems, and I used to think the meaning of life was living to the fullest and helping others along the way. Yet why do I have to help others if no one helps me? My friends are barely even my friends, it seems. I'm the one who has to call them and I'm the one who has to get in contact with them. If they really cared, they would call. But they don't. The only people that have ever been the ones to initiate contact live miles away from me and some might argue that, because of the proximity of my school friends, they had no reason to call me. I argue, "So what?" If it was up to them, they wouldn't talk to me for the entire summer, I think. It's always been this way, of course. I have lost friends because I've decided I've had enough of initiating it and my supposed "friends" just let it happen. That's not even counting the people who don't even claim friendship. Those people give even less of a shit about me, walking away when I have tripped down the stairs or when others bully other people. If anything, they say, "Oh that's sad" when I talk about a real problem I'm facing or a much bigger problem that someone else is going through but they go on and on and on about their own without even listening to me (isn't politeness a two-way street?). Still, no one cares about anyone else but they only pretend they do.
It's all so fake. People talk about how important school is and grades are and friends are but that doesn't mean anything at all. It's not life. How smart you are and how strong you are shouldn't matter nearly as much as how nice you are and how much you make a difference but that's not how it is. I just wonder what the point of it all is. What's the point of being friends when you're the only one who's trying? What's the point in fighting when no one else cares? What's the point of fighting for other people when they don't do the same for other people? What's the point of living if I'm not even living at all? I've just given up on everyone else lately. I hate school and I hate humanity and I hate the fact that I feel like my life is a one-way street or some corner I'm stuck in. All of this has made me somewhat of a nihilist lately; before I thought that I made my own purpose, but I don't even know if I can do that.
I just went to a college fair. While I was there, I felt like nothing would change from school. I felt like I was stuck. School so far has been something that I have, up until this point, something that is the bridge to college. But... what's college? More hardship? More work? More useless crap that will never help me? I feel like it will only get me stuck in a job that makes me work for hours and hours and hours only to get even more addicted to material things than I already am. Will I ever be able to be happy and make something of myself?
I don't know the answers to all of my questions. All I know is that I'm angry and that I'm sick of feeling that no one else cares. Now I'm just stuck climbing this existentialist hill.
I just want to be happy and help other people along the way. Can I even do either, though?