Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Path to College

The path to college is a road paved by road trips, tours and SATs. It has been a path that I have been prepped for since babyhood. My school has always been "college, college, college."

Of course, that meant that when I missed the time that my school came out with the PSATs, the apocalypse came today. It didn't matter that I heard absolutely nothing about it; I had just ruined my future.

Mom is doing everything she can to make sure I go to a good school. I go to one of the best school districts in my state, I go to Math tutoring to get good Math grades and my mom marks "Hispanic" as my race so that affirmative action applies to me (technically, I'm only half Hispanic but she says that sounds better).

It's no secret that I've been doubting school, the meaning of life and so on. I've been doubting the meaning of college too along with everything else. I can't help but feel apathy descend whenever it comes to school. What's the difference between the community college and James Madison when they'll both accomplish the same thing? I just don't really get it.

At the time when my mom wants me to rev up my grades and get all of these amazing grades, I just struggle putting forth any sort of effort. What difference does it make when I'll get into some sort of college? It just seems completely silly to me.

The whole college process is so fake too and ridiculously competitive. I just don't see the point of it all. Are people joining all of these clubs, getting Distinguished Honors and volunteering for their own fulfillment? No. They're doing it to get into college. There's so passion there, no living life. It's all in attainment of getting even more than their parents ever had.

Before I saw college as the light at the end of school's tunnel. Now, however, I'm not so sure. I feel like all college will give me is student debt and possibly some money to buy stuff. And what's the point of just STUFF? It won't buy me happiness, that's for sure. It won't make me free. One of the only ways I can actually make a six figure salary will be to get caught in a dead-end job that has a long commute, endless hours and stress that will give me high blood pressure and an eventual heart attack (you know, like most of the adults in my life).

I just don't get it. All of this enthusiasm towards college seems wasted to me.

What if college isn't the only way? What if we just took my college money and used it to go on vacation? It's probably stupid but it would be nice. I would love to be a gypsy instead of go to college. However, unless that book I'm sending out to publishers happens to hit the bestsellers list, I'm stuck.

I've heard that I'll blossom in college. That everything will change. Who knows? I've only heard that I'll have to deal with two extra years of what I pretty much already have day in and day out. Maybe I'll actually wanting to learn there though for all I know.

I feel like I'm stuck down this path, that its current is pushing me forward and never to get out. I go through the motions but I just don't feel anything.

I will shake hands and talk to admissions officers and everything like that that I need to do. I just don't know if I'm ever going to feel it. Every step to college feels farther and farther away from the freedom and happiness I so desperately crave.

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