Love sucks. I'm sure that's cliche but it's true nonetheless. Put love into a high school setting and you're really bound for trouble. If you take a walk around a local high school, you will see plenty of couples in the midst of passionate making out or even just simply walking and holding hands. It's even common to see crying girls. With Valentine's Day just around the corner it has become all too obvious.
This fact is especially hard for those who want to be with someone but... can't. In other words, those suffering Unrequited Feelings.
Yes, I have a crush. When I see him, I get the usual symptoms: the jitters, the palpitating heartbeat, the frozen feeling, the tension and, of course, the magnet that tugs me closer to him.
It's a hopeless sort of crush too because this guy has a girlfriend. So I'm screwed. I met him in my social studies class. I thought that he was flirting with me (heck, maybe he was) and I got excited. His Facebook status even said "single". But then I found out some things through some friends... and then I saw him kissing his girlfriend a few days ago. Apparently, according to said investigative friends, they're keeping it a secret to hide it from her parents or something.
I guess "love" is a bit of a stretch. I think he's attractive and he's funny and he's smart. So, yes, I find that really appealing. I admit I don't know a whole lot about his personal life except for what he's told me and I imagine that knowing a person is necessary to loving them. But still, it sucks. It especially sucks when these feelings Just. Won't . Go. Away and crop up at the worst moments. But I'm trying to swallow the jealousy and pride and physical attraction to just make things how they were. It's more disappointment than anything else, I guess, but still.
My track record sucks. My previous crush was on a boy who turned out to be gay. Yep, gay (although, to be fair, I found this out much later). I really should have known, but I didn't. He was cute and he seemed to have it all together and... He was smart! He could understand me! I was in sixth grade and new to the whole liking people thing. I wasn't as able to put up my guard then and I wasn't as able to hold back my dreamer tendencies. I gave it 100% and got 100% rejected. Let's just say he wasn't too mature about the whole thing and let's just say that it ended up with me crying over a milkshake (courtesy of my mom, who took pity on me).
The problem with crushes is that you're putting yourself on the line. The worst part about that is that you can't even control that. It creeps up slowly and snatches you. There's no way to truly be invulnerable. And so you end up getting your heart broken in the end or at least somewhat bruised. You hope and you take a risk. Often, you're left with a terrible decision: to tell or not to tell. There's everything to gain and everything to lose, at least for a while.
The second worst part? It takes its time going away. A long, long time. As much as I tell myself that I don't like him... I do. I still find myself taken aback by him: that little slither of a smile when he thinks he's clever, the way he gets so caught up in his homework, his freckles. I wish I could rip those thoughts right out of my mind but I can't.
It's so stupid, this high school crush/ love waiting thing. It adds so much angst to the situation and makes it so much more dramatic than it is. Somehow being within the confines of a classroom adds even more angst to the situation. It adds a pressure that makes me feel like I'm a slow-cooking pot. Everywhere I go, I see love and I am constantly reminded of the fact.
This whole thing has changed the way I see myself. Actually, crushes always change me. Now that I know I don't have a change with him, I have allowed myself to keep going on my journey to rid myself of my body image and weight shame now that I don't have to worry about terrible consequences. Now, I make myself pretty for me. But still, he did make me work harder each day: he motivated me to put on a spritz of perfume each day, to put a little extra mascara, to make sure that my outfit was especially pleasing. But that's ridiculous.
And that's another thing about crushes. It does change you. It does make you obsessed and consumed by the crush, in a way. The hope gives you an edge that you wouldn't have otherwise had before. It's something magnetic, almost palpable.
I suppose that deeper, healthier forms of love are different. But that's just not me and that's just not now. I'm in high school (this toxic environment), a teenager and somewhat screwed-up in this department.
Luckily, I will be on vacation for a few days and away from him on Valentine's Day so I won't be hurt too hard. I will be able to get it all off my mind. But still... A part of me wishes I was his.
Damn love or whatever this is.