Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Not Giving Them What They Want

Most people remember their high school experiences with disgust. They most certainly mention the less-than-savory experiences with certain less-than-savory individuals. And such is my present state. My trip to the Keys allowed me to forget reality for a little bit but now it has officially slapped me in the face. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be easier just to shut up and lie low because people will like me more. I was certainly thinking that today.

But I realized something. I realized that was what they want since the beginning of time. I will not let them have power over me anymore. I will be my own person. Those kids want to quell my power, make me less than I am so they can become more powerful. They want me to be quiet and conformist so I can be more predictable, because my lack of conformity scares them. That's what all of the people who have hurt me in my life wanted. But I won't give it to them.

I guess that's the whole point of fighting: you're not going to give the enemy what they want. Sure, you need to pick your battles but the right to be true to yourself is something that you do need to fight for.
I've been fighting all my life with it to be quite honest and my battle has resulted in various phases in my life. I've wondered why I was even fighting in the first place, wondering if it was even worth it.

Wondering if these people were really my enemies after all and if I was the one who had done something wrong. With each subtle (or not-so-subtle depending on the person) jab, I retreated into myself and tried so hard to be what they wanted to be. I grovelled for acceptance like a dog scouting for crumbs on the floor. I believed that if everyone thought that I was so terrible, then I surely was and at the same time, my emotional well-being at this made me ashamed. And that's what they wanted. They wanted me (and everyone around them) to play the same game they did, to feel the same terrible way they did because they that gave them more power.

The "they" is not society as a whole or some vague stupid term like that. "They" is any person who has not accepted (or tolerated) me being who I am, who has tried to make me feel less than, who has tried to pressure me into someone and something else, who has tried to take my power away from me and take it as theirs. And it's also the "they" who continually do the same to other people.

Conformists don't start revolutions. They are the anonymous masses in society who sit around and do nothing. I will not be stopped from creating my revolution. I will not give them conformity.

I will not sacrifice myself so they can feel better about themselves. I will not give them what they want.

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