Random Thoughts: Friendship

 

Friendship has always been so complicated for me. It feels like the harder I try to hold on to it, the more it eludes me. Over the years, I had to say that I have only found two genuine friendships. By genuine friendships, I mean friendships that are two-sided, friendships that require effort on both sides. You know, with both parties making it a point to stay in touch and hang out, both parties listening and confiding in the other.

I do believe that most of my other friends cared for me in some way, just not enough. Not enough to bother to keep in touch or to pick up the phone. I suppose they enjoyed me while I was around them and then forgot about me while I was gone.

Perhaps this would do for others, but it didn't do for me. I need close, intimate friendships, a variety that's hard to find. So far, a good deal of my life has been desperately seeking these friendships out and mourning when I didn't get it. It wasn't all in vain, though, because I did find it.

It was so much simpler when I was younger, when a friend was someone I could call upon to play with me and slights could be so easily fixed. Yet in other ways it was much the same, because even then I was different from the other kids.

In my lonely moments, it's easy to say friendship isn't worth it. Yet, in better moments, I know that it is. At its simplest, friendships can offer a good time. For instance, I've went away on a lot of two week camps and, during that time, I've made some pretty intense connections. I can't blame them for not keeping in touch given the distance. Friendship makes you feel like you're not alone, like someone actually cares. It gives you someone to confide in. I think a lot of the problem is that I'm looking for too much and I'm way too desperate about it.

I treasure the two deep friendships that I have. One friend is far away, someone I talk to online every day. I don't see her that often, but when I do, I have quite the time with her. The other friend goes to my school. I don't talk to her every day, but we're together more. When we are together, we can't stop talking; we click so well.

This will probably be a struggle for quite some time for me. I don't think I'll ever really understand it, just appreciate it when it comes