Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Anger, Hate and Love

Hate is such an all-consuming feeling. It sucks up your soul and leaves dust in its midst. It leaves you tired but it always demands more. Some have even developed a rather fondness to it. There's anger there mostly. Anger raw, hot and intense. But there's more than that. Many times hate is connected with love; many times the people that we hate we loved once. Our feelings have soured because we have been hurt. The one and only person who I genuinely hate I once considered to be a good friend of mine. It goes beyond dislike but it enters the realm of loathing. I hate her, hate her so much that the hate could spill and make rivers of the tears I have shed over her. Those tears are acid rain and they have corroded so many good things inside of me. I want them gone and I want that hatred gone too.

It's an issue I've been struggling lately. Everyone around me has just told me to let it go and I want to. I really do. I just can't. Because we have mutual friends, I come in contact with this girl every day. Now that I didn't come begging to her and refuse to tag around with her, she ignores me and treats me as if I'm invisible. I've alluded to this girl various times on my blog and those close to me know the full story. I don't feel like going into the whole story but for those who don't know, I feel like she didn't care about me and only used me as her accessory or something to boost her ego. I feel like I trusted her and she only ended up manipulating me in the end. Enough of that though because me venting about how much and why I hate her will do nothing to help me.

I had a dream a few days ago that I wrote about how and why I hated her on my blog. Then she came running up to me and demanded an apology. Things got physical and I had her on the floor crying as I punched her. Now, I could never do something so brash in real life (nor could I win against her in real life). That dream definitely revealed my pent-up issues.

I really don't get people who hate all of these people. I only hate one person and it kills me. It drains me and it makes me feel so helpless just hating. It can feel good sometimes but mostly it just feels useless. It's like a bag on my shoulders that I can't shake off. I know people like my grandma hold grudges but how? I don't want to be like this anymore because it's changing who I am. I don't want to be a bitter person.

I've forgiven my bullies. I've forgiven them for the memories I've had to repress and the self-esteem issues that resulted from their taunts and how they've all taken away my ability to trust people my age. I've forgiven them and what they did was just as bad. And yet... Yet I haven't forgiven her. I'm not sure if what she did was necessarily bullying but it was just cruel. Maybe it's because I told her all of these things and she did what she did anyway.

I've thought that maybe when she used me she could have just been selfish and thoughtless. That she could have thought of me more as an object than as a person with feelings. That I simply wasn't enough to keep around but she didn't want to give me up "just in case". I'm not angry because she didn't care but I'm angry at how she lead me on and pretended like she did. I'm angry with how she made me feel stupid and small when I tried to explain how I felt to her. I think I'm just angry over everything that happened last year (that wasn't all her fault. It was mine, my math teacher and some of the others, the student body who created the atmosphere it did, a few thoughtless assholes...)

I just wish she said she was sorry. Even if she said she didn't mean for things to be the way they ended up but they just turned out that way. Or that I was interpreting it the wrong way. I just don't think she ever will so I'll have to find some other way. I'll have to find some way to make peace with it all.

At first, the anger was a good thing. It was so much better than the anger I felt against myself, an anger that was poisonous and seeped in the deepest parts of my soul. Again, that was partially my fault but I'm angry that she turned some of her own actions against me and made it look like it was my fault. At the time, I thought that anger was progress. Now I only think that it is holding me back.

I don't have to forget what happened and I don't even have to like her. I just don't want to have to deal with this anymore. I'm done. I'm hoping that with getting sick of this, I'll finally embark on my first steps of freeing myself from this.

School's been in session for a little more than three months. Summer has been about two and a half months long. That's a little more than five and a half months. I've had plenty of time to deal with this. It's time to let it go and move on.

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