Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Not Getting It

First comes the denial. Then comes the bad grades and getting past the denial. Then after getting past the denial, there's the hope. The hope is there like an ember because you think that things will get better for you. It may be a foolhardy, desperate hope but it's a hope nonetheless. Then, with each failed attempt at comprehension be it getting answers wrong with a tutor or on a test, comes the disappointment. After repeated instances of the above, there comes the frustration. And then, after dealing with the frustration, there's the defeat and the total surrender. That's about where I'm at right now.

It's Math. Math is like that bitch I've fought with all my life, from elementary school to high school. My problem started when I switched math classes, from the below-average, slower class to the fast-paced, normal classes. Now she's come to haunt me in an even worse form. Algebra is the bastard child of words and numbers and quite an ugly one at that (who the hell cares when Train A comes to the station? Why can't the conductor just time it?). I'm afraid we hit it off poorly from the start. I'm currently getting myself out of the hole after two failed tests. It's a sad state of affairs when my mom is ecstatic over a C on a quiz from me yet that's what Algebra has reduced me to.

The weekend before, I was bursting blood vessels trying to do some of the math problems. I was pretty sure I was focusing on it to the point of hyperarousal (concentrating on something to the point of the concentration becoming a distraction) and after a while I couldn't sustain it. At one point, my mom mistook this to be me slacking off but I literally couldn't do it anymore.

It's not like any of the people I've went to for help do anything for me. I'm just as lost as ever after each tutoring session but I feel only more stupid. I feel that no one knows what to do to help me, not even the professionals themselves, but they just wave me off and say I'm good enough after I'm done. They say that and then I fail.

The worst part is that each time I feel I'm getting a grasp on the subject, the class moves on and I am yanked away. At least in my other class, they moved much more slowly.

I don't know what to do. I'm not one of those slacker kids that don't care. I try and I still fail; I go to help again and again and again but I still don't get anything at all. It makes me want to just throw Math to the side and give up on it. However, moving back will only delay the problem so I'm doing my utmost to prevent that. So far I am not successful in my attempts.

So that's what Math has been reduced to for me. Each test taken is just nausea in my stomach, each test returned just a head hung in shame.

For me, Math is the only subject I've really had trouble in. I've never had to study much for anything and everything else has pretty much come easily to me. I have gotten bad grades before but I don't usually get a string of them. I suppose, all things considering, that I'm pretty fortunate in that regard.

I'm starting to understand why the "slackers" are the way they are. A lot of those people are the ones who have eternally given up on school and who constantly face a struggle. I can't even imagine what they must feel. My perfectionism may cause me to be harder on myself and feel stupid quickly but that has to wear down on them after a while.

However, I hope that the joys of Thanksgiving break will allow me to wash these feelings away and come back to it later.

I'm constantly locked into a struggle with Math. Right now, Math's winning and I'm about ready to lay my sword down. English is much more compliant.

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