Saying Goodbye

Goodbye is a simple thing. It just means leaving something or someone for a while. Sometimes a day, a year, forever. Goodbye. It can be so simple sometimes and so terrible other times. Saying goodbye can mean so many different things to so many different people.

Today, that’s all I kept saying. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. My arms almost got sore from hugging and I hugged everyone today. I was sweaty and I was gross, but it didn’t matter. I just held everyone and talked to them and just… felt them. I could also feel them leave, knowing that I probably wouldn’t see some of them for a whole year and I probably wouldn’t see some of them ever again. Knowing that our next contact would be minimal.

Goodbye felt like my heart was being yanked out of my chest a little bit each time and I wanted to go with them.

It’s only been a few hours but… I’m already thinking about them. I’m already thinking of their quirks and their mannerisms. Imagining them talking about the weirdest things and sometimes talking about deep things. I’m already thinking about all of the laughs in writing sessions and sharing all of our writing and just being so, so open about everything there.

I had to say goodbye to the camp too. Goodbye to the atmosphere. Goodbye to the taste of virgin mojito drinks. Goodbye to hot sticky air and leaning up against the window at morning meeting. Goodbye to dragging my mattress back from a sleepover. Goodbye to crappy food and sitting by the corner and debating aloud whether or not I should eat all of my dessert. Goodbye to the people and the camaraderie.

It was just as painful and heart-wrenching as last year. I’m feeling this sad, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that only they can fill. While I’m thankful for the memories, I don’t want to go. I don’t understand why I can’t have more awesome people like them around in school.

So this is what it is. Goodbye. What does that really mean? Goodbyes are like that. They’re painful but not quite real until you drive away. A hug and a few words that will never mean enough. Goodbye today meant I-will-see-you-again-but-it-will-be-a-long-time-until-I-do and I-might-never-see-you-again-but-I-really-want-to-and-I-hope-we-keep-touch.

Goodbye is the final chapter. A closing of the door. One thing is lost and sometimes, another thing is gained. Sometimes goodbye leads into the sequel of your life and sometimes it doesn’t.

Goodbye can be an opportunity for something else, something new. Sometimes, the silver lining only emerges somewhere. It can be a time to look at the future and see it for what it is. Just like last year, this camp is making me think about it for what it was. I’m not seeing the opportunity, though. I feel like the opportunity has ended and now I have to go to real life. I have to go back to assholes and high school and anxiety with no one who understands me and memories that make me shudder.

With goodbyes means moving on. I have to move on; I have no choice. Eventually, the pain will fade.

Goodbyes are life, because nothing is constant. All I can do right now is appreciate that it happened even if I am sad that I have to see it go.

So, to my fellow campers: