Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Truth

 The truth hurts. It's been said countless times before, but that doesn't change the fact that it's true. It might set you free afterwards but when you hear it or feel it, it hurts. It hurts so bad that it makes you want to howl, and scream and never stop. I have had to deal with a variety of terrible truths in my life and I am dealing with just one of many hurts one truth has caused now.

The truth is supposed to set you free, but before it does that.... It binds you like a corset and then it pulls the strings tight so hard that you can't breathe. The truth traps you in place and for a moment, it makes you unable to think or really decide.

I'm a truth-seeker. I choose the red pill. I know that truth is the only real thing that I have and that logic is the only method that I have to judge that truth. But it's just... Sometimes, I want to close my eyes and forget what I know forever. Sometimes, I just want to forget everything that I know and dig my head in the sand once again. I don't need it, I want to say. I just don't need it. Even as someone so based in logic, sometimes I want to escape into a fantasy world.

But the thing is the truth is oh-so- necessary. I can't live in a lie. I can't pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. When I try to do that, it only makes me feel worse. It only makes me want to escape even more. Instead of producing that fantasy world, it produces a world of hell. Ultimately, the only thing that makes me happy is living in the truth even if the truth takes a while to take effect. This is because the truth builds up and explodes in the worst moment to collapse the lie.

Truth takes a while to sink in and it takes a while to take effect. You hear it and then you're in shock. It's the sensation of the shock fading that's the killer. It's that sensation that sends third degree burns all across your body.

Lies only offer temporary relief. But when those lies collapse, it offers a pain worse than ever before. In relationships, if you lie one time, it's easy to keep lying. It's easy to keep those feelings inside- those little lies that build up.

The truth, I suppose, isn't as hard if you tell yourself it from the start. It's only when it becomes major, when it builds up to a mountain that it hurts. And it can hurt to varying degrees depending on the nature of that truth.

I have lived with a variety of terrible truths. Each truth becomes harder and harder and harder, it seems. This is a truth I have lived for for such a long time, but it is only killing me now.

The truth exploded last night. The rubble is still around us and still all around me and I'm afraid that the debris will never truly end up going away. I am glad to have it off of my chest, but I feel so terrible for the hurt that it has caused. Because that is my terrible truth- the truth that I told and the truth that it is hurting her. But such is how it goes.

Maybe one day it will set me free. But the fact of the matter is that I've told her already, although never like this. She knows. Our relationship has been toxic for so long; it has been all about measuring up and putting each other down and feeling such a bitter hatred and love in my chest at the same time for somebody who cares nothing for how I feel.

The terrible part of this truth, I suppose, is that things might never get better. She's upset for now, but the terrible truth is that she's not upset because of how she's hurt me but she's just upset that I dared to hurt her for once instead of cowering in the corner. I might have to cut off things completely one day. But such is how it goes when your sister has become your bully.

The truth has set me free from holding everything inside and pushing back an anger I've told myself that I was never supposed to feel. The truth has set me free from cowering any longer. I am so angry that I will never let her hurt me again. The truth has set me free from some toxicity. One day, it will even give me some sort of peace at dealing with what I cannot change. One day, I will stop hating her but simply feel a cool, simmering anger towards her that won't consume me. But for now, it is boiling me from the inside out.

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