Thursday, January 24, 2013


 The black spells come when I least expect them. They come hardest in the morning and persist throughout the day. It hurts to smile, hurts to move, hurts to think. I have no reason to live and no reason to go on but simply to just be. My insides reverberate and echo in the hollowness that is my chest. I am unable to see anywhere but where I am at, the darkness giving me tunnel vision. A tunnel vision of my thoughts, making me see the world and myself in the darkest shades of black. I am completely alone from everyone around me because no one cares enough to help me (a select few say they want to but it feels insincere) and I don't care enough to reach out to them. I feel numb and empty but somehow the emptiness aches to make me hurt to make me feel not so numb anymore. Every second becomes just about surviving. It hurts so much that I feel like I'm going to explode. It hurts so much that I can't think, feel or care about anything else. When those people around me speak to me, I just feel so damn angry at them that they can't help me and that they don't understand and that they want me to do stupid shit that doesn't matter. And that's what depression is for me and lately that has represented most of the days of my life.

I hate myself for it. I feel so guilty sometimes about it; I hate my life and yet I appreciate so many things in it. I wonder why I'm so weak. I know that's a stupid way to feel about the situation, but I do. I hate myself for thinking the stupid thoughts I feel when I get into one of my black spells even though I know that I can't help it. Even though I know that it, like my anxiety, is mostly genetic and out of my control.

And yet the blackness pervades everything that I do. The black spells are when it gets most intense but that feeling seeps into my mood most of the time. Strangely enough, it loosens its grip enough for me to let into a laugh, a smile, a flicker of joy. And then it’s back, tighter than ever.

I hate it when everyone tells me that I have a good life, that I shouldn’t feel this way. And part of me wants to agree with them because what I’m going through doesn’t compare to what other people are going through. But you know what? It still makes me not want to live most of the time, to go to sleep and never wake up.  I hate living this stupid life that never turns out quite right, this life filled with shitty people who do shitty things, this life where I am alone, this life where I fuck things up most of the time. It just doesn’t seem worth living anymore. Because, yes, I do have opportunities but so what? I don’t care about any of it because it doesn’t make me feel very lucky. I don’t have what I crave the most. I can’t help but feel that my life is going nowhere, that I am stuck in a life that I have no control over. I have to go to school and waste my day doing things that I hate and then go to college to do the whole thing all over again. And the worst part is I pretty much am alone the entire time, surrounded by assholes who hate me for being myself.

I’m alone because I’ve given up my fifteen year struggle of trying to please people who don’t give a shit about me, who don’t care about me enough to fight for me or care what happens to me.  I have a family that loves me but they will never understand me and what I’m going through so, yeah, that’s something but it doesn’t change the fact that I am completely and utterly alone right now. I’ll just keep shipping up and keeping my grades good like they want me because right now, I can’t bear to deal with anyone else seeing me as a great big disappointment too. I’ll suck it up for them because, if I don’t, they would realize that I’m a freak too and probably ship me off to some kind of mental institution. They think I express myself to them and I want to but I can only react in small increments because that's what makes them happy. And I want to make them happy because what's the point of me taking them down with them?

And yeah, a lot of people will tell me to suck it up and I know that so that’s why I always act happy to them, always try to keep up my normal façade because that’s what will keep me safe and them feeling like everything’s good and they’re doing the right thing by ignoring me.  They won’t hesitate to fail me if I do decide to ditch one day to clear my head or if I just let myself fail out of all of my classes like I want to. The only way they would ever pretend to care about me is if I suddenly died in my sleep and they would say how great I am.

I know my family wants to help me but they don't get it. It's like they think giving me medication (most likely harmful) and taking me to some shrink who only wants to take advantage of me will make it magically go away. I have encountered many a psychiatrist and psychologist but none have been my friend.

I know I’m pathetic. I really do. I'm acting like that stupid emo kid in the corner except that's only because I feel like I can't act like that stupid emo kid that I always feel I am inside.  I bet the world would be better off without me in it anyway. Without my complaining. I'm a fish in a bag, shaken my life and too dizzy to stand. Strongest of the fittest, right? I’m not very fit.