All too often I think and act in extremes. That much, I know, and accept. I'm either all in or all out. I've been trying to see things in more balanced terms, but my old way of thinking comes back more often than not as a sort of automatic reflex. It's a black-and-white way of thinking that I can't do anything about.
I become obsessed or I become apathetic. I know it's unhealthy to think this way, but I can't help it really. I'm all focused on something or I'm not focused on it at all.
Not only do I think in black-and-white terms like "This is my life" or "I don't care at all about this", but I so often use black-and-white thinking in everything else as well.
Life is so much more complicated in ambiguity that it feels so much safer to think this way, so much easier. To judge everyone this way, to classify. The world is more definite, more sure, so I'm more sure in my reactions. Less hesitant.
It's so much easier to make decisions that way too, because when I think in black-and-white terms, there aren't too many decisions to make. There's only about two, maybe a few more, but nothing all that much really. Sometimes, I feel like it means I'm less likely to make mistakes that way, but that's not necessarily true.
The truth is that I know that this sort of black-and-white thinking takes away so many opportunities from me, blinds me to so many wonderful things. When I allow myself to see in all different shades, I realize this. But sometimes habit and fear brings me right back to this black-and-white thinking and I'm stuck back right where I was before, sent right back at square one.
So often, this makes me stubborn. I'm so caught up in this kind of thinking that it's the only way I can see things. Of course I cling to it, especially if I believe it so strongly. In those moments, I'm usually too irrational to do anything else.
Yet sometimes I have moments of rationality.
I know this is a very human mistake, but I feel like I have it worse than other people sometimes. A lot of people make it. It's quite annoying and sometimes even embarrassing. But it is what it is, I suppose.