Friday, February 10, 2012


When you play a game, only two options can come about. You can win or you can lose. Unfortunately, I seem to lose a lot when I play games (most likely due to the fact that many of these games are sports-related). Losing is a part of life, the default to winning.

For example, I made it to semis Wednesday but I lost. And, also, sometimes I don't always get what I want. Sometimes I have bad days and I forget homework assignments which I considered losses by their very nature.

Losing. A game, life, something. For me, it's sometimes meant that I didn't do something right. I used to think that losing was connected to failure and that failure was connected with losing, with not doing things right. Losing is sometimes connected to hoping and then feeling that hope fall and knowing that things will never work out.

It's a disappointing feeling, feeling your heart sink in your chest. Some people don't respond gracefully to this and make a big fuss about losing and others just nod and say that it was a good game. Some people don't even care if they win or lose but they just want to have fun; those people don't take it personally when they lose and they don't feel like it reveals a flaws in them.

The worst part about losing is acting gracefully afterwards. Acting like everything is okay and you're not thinking of all the racing thoughts.

I remember the election of '08 and how close it was. I thought about how McCain must have felt and how hard that must have been for him. Still, he didn't insult Obama or anything but he took it with grace. This must have had to apply to him also and that doesn't really compare to my debate issues of course.

I now know that losing and making mistakes aren't failures but simply a part of life and growing up. Everyone has to go through them, at one time or another. Sometimes these are over simple things and sometimes they are over big ones.

Every day is a new day, though, I suppose. You might lose big one day and win big the next day and then have everything start all over again.

On the day I lost semis, I got my first A in Math class this year in my current class. It wasn't even an A minus but an A. I suppose it is possible to win big and lose big on the same day, in that case and you might as well take what you can find.

When I got into the car with my dad, my couch told him that I did great that year and he hoped that I would come back next year. I didn't feel like I did great in debate at all but I actually felt like I did a pretty terrible job. I suppose what he was trying to do was reward my efforts because it didn't matter that I won or lost- it mattered that I tried and I went to all the practices and I honestly tried to connect to the other people on the team.

So, I suppose, I didn't lose so much. I gained a new experience and a new way of thinking; I met new people that I had interesting conversations with; I had fun once I got past all of the stress and anxiety I put around it. Best of all, debate taught me that it is quite possible to get past my anxiety and insecurities even if I did suffer quite a few panic attacks for it.

Maybe you never really lose. You always gain some sort of lesson.

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