It starts out with a panic. A cold sweat, almost. You think about how this can't be happening, this can't be happening, can't be happening... It's almost like you dissociate.
Whenever I get scared, really scared, that's how I feel. I might lose my head over tiny things but bigger things... They feel unreal. I'm able to think, think more than usual, and feel like I'm away from the situation, almost like I'm watching it. I feel scared but that scare feels like it's far away. I think, Okay, I need to do this and then I do just what I told myself to do. And then, when it's over, I let the panic symptoms consume me. I let myself shake and I let my chest tighten and I let myself lose myself in worry.
Tinks got out today. My sister left the top of her cage open and she escaped in the middle of the night. My sister found her missing in the morning.
I was out in my living room with my parents, chilling. My serenity was broken when my sister came over to the rail, wide-eyed and told us.
Tinks was gone. Gone.
It's odd. I get anxiety attacks over my homework and worrying about my social life and screwing up my eye makeup and over so many other stupid things but when in crisis mode, my mind slows. I'm actually quite clear-headed.
We took our dog out and then we would go out. I thought of where I would look. My room, my parents', my sister's, the exercise room. I'm not that great at looking so I would have to get my parents to look for it.
I went up the stairs in shock. My dad kept exclaiming how he knew this was going to happen and how we weren't going to find her.
We actually did end up finding her in the closet of the exercise room. Of course, we had to fight her and she was too frightened to let anyone hold her. But it was good.
I've had other scares in my life before and the behavior is pretty much the same. Of course, the results didn't end up nearly so well and I ended up with often long-lasting, less pretty results. I'm just glad this one ended like it did.
Scares and crises can paralyze people. It leaves others with a cool head. For some reason, I think I'm beginning to end up in the latter category which is something that brings me immense relief (although I must say that having a missing hamster doesn't compare to a crisis that could end up with even worse results).
I'm starting to think this newfound cool-headedness is connected to this little ritual I do. Whenever I get in a car or go over a bridge or something like that, I always think about the worst things that can happen. It's like knocking on wood. I figure somehow that if I think about it, it won't happen to me. Somehow, it makes me feel better. Sometimes, I also think of what I would do if I was in a dangerous situation again and again and again thinking that, if I panic, something might stick if I was in that situation. I think of getting shot at, raped, killed in a car accident and I don't feel worry but relief. I think of how this must mean this will never end up happening to me. Of course, I know this is completely irrational and whatever but, to my anxious mind, it makes sense somehow. It makes me feel better.
Crisis situations are inevitable. I guess it always is important to come out with a plan (not to the extent I do, though).
Of course, we're keeping Tinks locked up and taking new precautions. I don't expect that to happen again. Still, I suspect that it will be one of the many things I'll worry about.