Thursday, November 22, 2012


I hate crowds. They set my teeth on edge and make me want to scream. The noise makes it hard to think, and the closeness of the people makes it hard for me to breathe. Crowds are loud and close and violate every instinct I have. I feel sick to my stomach and my nerves go on fire. I want to run and push past everything but I can't. Any more than a few people in a somewhat small place makes me very uncomfortable.

That's why Thanksgiving and I don't mix. That's why my school hallways and I don't mix. Usually I just push past it and forget about it. Yet now I can't. Especially since my family is large and full of large extroverts. I know it's stupid and I should get over it but I can't.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about everything. I'm a lone wolf by nature, thriving in solitude. It's bad enough to be in a crowd but this Thanksgiving, I will be forced to interact with said crowd. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to get a spot on my couch, crammed in between others. If not,  I can handle a few people at a time and sometimes I can't even handle that. My encounters with people are so unproductive that if I could just shut off my biological need for human companionship, I would do so in a heartbeat. If I could stop worrying about them, take the pressure off, things would be easier.

I can't exactly say what it is. I know it's stupid. Crowds and throngs of people won't kill me. Hell, I shouldn't even have this fear being as I go to a public high school. And yet I have it. I'm sure they're actually beneficial to me. I'm sure that if I got over my discomfort of crowds, I could actually escape the suburb that I live in for a much better place.

Anyway, I wonder why I have it. Is it the fact that I feel threatened by the distraction of all the senses? Threatened by all of the people who I can't always keep track of and watch? I don't quite know why I dislike it so. Yet I do.

It's easiest when something distracts me. When I can think about something else and not have to worry about everything. Sometimes I think about the news or sometimes I breathe in the crispness of the air. It makes it easier. Sometimes, I can just take deep breaths and exhale slowly and that can work for me too. It all works, I guess. While it would be nice to whip out a book or sneak up in my room to write, that would probably be considered "rude".

It helps to latch on to one person too during Thanksgiving. At least I can talk to them and forget the fact that I'm utterly surrounded by so many other people. The sounds and the sensations of close people are things that I can forget.

So yeah, crowds and I aren't friends. For that very reason, Thanksgiving and I aren't exactly friends either. But I can live.

I'm still jealous of my friends with small families and quiet meals. I'm even more jealous of those who are surrounded by introverts.

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