That's why Thanksgiving and I don't mix. That's why my school hallways and I don't mix. Usually I just push past it and forget about it. Yet now I can't. Especially since my family is large and full of large extroverts. I know it's stupid and I should get over it but I can't.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about everything. I'm a lone wolf by nature, thriving in solitude. It's bad enough to be in a crowd but this Thanksgiving, I will be forced to interact with said crowd. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to get a spot on my couch, crammed in between others. If not, I can handle a few people at a time and sometimes I can't even handle that. My encounters with people are so unproductive that if I could just shut off my biological need for human companionship, I would do so in a heartbeat. If I could stop worrying about them, take the pressure off, things would be easier.
I can't exactly say what it is. I know it's stupid. Crowds and throngs of people won't kill me. Hell, I shouldn't even have this fear being as I go to a public high school. And yet I have it. I'm sure they're actually beneficial to me. I'm sure that if I got over my discomfort of crowds, I could actually escape the suburb that I live in for a much better place.
Anyway, I wonder why I have it. Is it the fact that I feel threatened by the distraction of all the senses? Threatened by all of the people who I can't always keep track of and watch? I don't quite know why I dislike it so. Yet I do.
It's easiest when something distracts me. When I can think about something else and not have to worry about everything. Sometimes I think about the news or sometimes I breathe in the crispness of the air. It makes it easier. Sometimes, I can just take deep breaths and exhale slowly and that can work for me too. It all works, I guess. While it would be nice to whip out a book or sneak up in my room to write, that would probably be considered "rude".
It helps to latch on to one person too during Thanksgiving. At least I can talk to them and forget the fact that I'm utterly surrounded by so many other people. The sounds and the sensations of close people are things that I can forget.
So yeah, crowds and I aren't friends. For that very reason, Thanksgiving and I aren't exactly friends either. But I can live.
I'm still jealous of my friends with small families and quiet meals. I'm even more jealous of those who are surrounded by introverts.