Thursday, October 10, 2013

Being Bisexual

I'm bisexual. I know this is a strange thing to announce but it's National Coming Out Day. I'm not necessarily coming out, per se, as I already have for the most part. I know this day wasn't meant for me but, since those at my school are celebrating it, I might as well join in the fun.

There's a lot of people who don't take bisexuality seriously. Even some people who identify as gay or lesbian don't take it all that seriously. Hell, even most of my family doesn't take it seriously.

Not that I blame them. There's a huge myth in our society that sexuality is a binary system and that bi people just "can't decide". Or that bi men are just secretly gay and bi girls are just curious or trying to be lesbian so that guys will like them. Most people seem to have trouble thinking on complex terms so the gray area of bisexuality seems to really confuse a lot of people.

I also personally don't identify as part of the LGBT community. It's a perfectly lovely community for the most part (although it has a lot of biphobic elements to it at points). I don't feel personally involved in LGBT issues. I suppose I just always figured that, while I might fool around with some girls, I'll probably end up settling down with a man. There are a lot of lesbian girls who refuse to date bi girls out of jealousy anyway so maybe I might just have to do this. 

As a bi person, I have a few luxuries a gay person doesn't have. I have more choices, for one. More importantly, if things get bad enough, I can always just stick to guys and feel satisfied for the most part. If I were a lesbian, doing this would mean giving up a fundamental part of who I was. I can "choose" to be straight, in a way. And honestly, I will, simply because I'm not sure I want to deal with the difficulties of having my relationship subjugated to second-class status just yet. I think the fact that bi people can so seamlessly switch between both worlds probably frustrates many gay and lesbian people, but then again, this also means we never truly belong to either groups. 

It is easier to be a bi girl than at least it is to be a bi guy. It seems to me that there are a lot of bi girls out in today's day in age (not that I blame them, of course), but not a lot of bi guys. In many ways, bi guys might as well be coming out as gay. They'll be perceived that way, after all.

I understand if my sexuality confuses people. It confused me for a long time too. My sexuality fluctuates all of the time. One day, I'll like boys and girls equally. Sometimes, mostly just boys. Sometimes (but less so), mostly just girls.

When I first started experiencing attraction, I felt them solely for boys. It was only later I started to feel attraction for girls but the change was so subtle I hardly recognized it. I also believed that part of me didn't want to believe I was bi. I was totally fine with other people being bi. But not me. That just wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't disgusted or ashamed of these feelings but rather confused. Could it even happen? Was it even happening? How could I go a year without feeling attractions towards girls and then suddenly feel it? I assumed my feelings were hero worship, especially given my low self-esteem at the time. My mother confirmed this. After particularly strong feelings for a particular girl, I finally had to acknowledge that maybe I wasn't quite straight.

My family is mostly in denial about it still. They would argue that I don't talk about these same-sex attractions I supposedly feel. That I'm confused. My sister thinks I'm just doing this because I want to rebel and be different. This really makes me mad sometimes, but there's no point in fighting them. I am who I am and I've accepted it; I'm not going to try to fight with them to get them to believe that I really am bi because I honestly don't care. Of course, I know they'll love and accept me no matter what I do, but I think they're not entirely okay with it. After all, my mother pictured me marrying a guy when I'm older and having grandkids with him. A possible detour into lesbianism might prevent this from happening. 

I don't talk about my same-sex attractions as liberally as I do my opposite-sex ones simply because I can't. I can't just check out some random girl on the street or say how hot I think a female celebrity is. That just won't happen. Even people who claim to be accepting will say that I'm pushing my sexuality on them, even though I can go into much more graphic detail when it involves a guy than with a girl. Any crush I have for one has even less of a chance of being fulfilled than for a guy. If I have a boyfriend, I'll be able to hold his hand out in public and gush about it. I can talk about the difficulties of dating and how men are so confusing. This will be normal and accepted and people will think nothing of it. My perceived heterosexuality will just be a part of who I am. People will cling vicariously through me and my relationship with him. But a girl? I might get a reluctant nod or a slight grimace. No girl will ever meet certain family members, not because I'd be ashamed of her but of their possible reactions towards her.

Yes, I'm bi. Yet that's really just one aspect of who I am. I'm also a writer, a friend, a daughter, pet owner, etc. and these things define me much more.

This is probably going to be one of those blog posts I want to take down, but I won't. I can't. I don't want to be ashamed of this part of me and I shouldn't have to.