Going Away

I feel like I should go away skipping and with Spongebob and Patrick by my side like in the movie. Tomorrow I am going to embark in my family car and then drive for five hours and a half to Virginia. Sleepaway camp looms in my future, and I can’t quite make out how it’s going to end up. I feel like I’m going on an adventure and yet I keep thinking of all of the things that could go wrong along the way.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve went away to sleepaway camp, of course. I have went away one time before and it was one of (if not the best) experience of my life. I went there because the camp I’m going to now and wanted to go to before was cancelled. My mom searched and voila, it was there. It was different though, and didn’t ask so much of me. My parents were an hour away, could visit in between and the camp was just girls. Not to mention I could exercise to relieve my weight anxieties.

In this camp, I’ll be alone. I thought that I was close to family friends, but it turns out I’m an hour away. If something happens, I’m screwed and I’ll have to deal with it on my own. I’m thinking about so many things that can go wrong that I feel like I’ve regressed to the early days of my anxiety. 

Not to mention, there will be boys at that camp. That factor alone makes me think twice about I’m going to apply my makeup. Think twice about the way that I’ll act. All of the things I might say to them. What if I like one of them and I get tongue-tied? What if that destroys any possible chance that I might have concerning friendship? I have a feeling that the boys down in camp won’t be as stupid as most of the boys who go to my school and that makes things so much worse for me.

I’m making sure to pack all of the right things and to think of things to say to people and how to apply makeup but… I keep thinking about all of the things that I might not get right and all of the things that I’m not thinking about.

Overthinking things usually makes them worse. When I show people how much I’m thinking about things, it makes me look paranoid and vulnerable. I can’t help it, though. I might be able to hide most of my anxiety, but every once in a while an anxiety attack becomes visible and even can turn into a full-fledged panic attack. 

It will be fine, of course. I’m going to be surrounded by all writers this time and not just artists in general. I will be in my element with all of them (many of whom will end up being just like me probably) and I will feel like I belong. I’m probably going to be able to talk to them because I’ll understand them and they’ll understand me; for that reason, I’m probably going to be making quite a bit of friends.

Despite what everyone around tells me and what I tell myself, I’m still freaking out. It will be okay, though. It will be.

In the end, I’ll be smiling and shaking my head at my current worrying self. Until then, I’ll be spending a lot of nights with a racing mind and my eyes wide open.

Note: Because I’ll be in camp, I will be on a two- week hiatus from this blog. I might post a blog post or two when I have the time (and might even post some that I wrote while I was there), but I will most likely be dormant. Don’t worry, I haven’t died. I don’t know how I’ll be though.