College Pressure

The game is on. I'm a junior. I have two years of school left but already, I have to look at college. I face what millions of high school students face in the US: the college application process. And I'm feeling the heat. Talk to any high school student and chances are they are too.

My sister just went to visit a college yesterday. Being as it mainly focused on math and science, I didn't. But still, I'm getting it and even more so since I'm older. SAT prep is just around the corner and I live with the day-to-day pressure to get good grades. Not to mention the PSAT I have to take.

Did I mention every school decision is based off of it? Will college like course A or course B better? What clubs should I join? Am I volunteering enough?

There's so many hoops we have to climb and so many people to compete with. And there's always the idea that if I don't enter a decent enough college, my future won't be any good. It's like we're mating peacocks and we have to preen our feathers. The whole thing seems ridiculous but I have to do it anyway.

After all, what choice do I have? None, really. There are virtually no blue-collar jobs with living wages anymore. They can hold us hostage and do whatever they want to us and we can't do anything about it.

The whole thing is so daunting and actually pretty frightening. I don't even know what I want to do when I grow up. How am I supposed to make these kinds of decisions? I have no clue.

I can't even imagine what it's like when I finally get there. Classes, debt, all of it.

I know others have it worse with their financial situations but still. It will be resolved eventually but ughhh, the stress. 

I should probably just toughen up and do it already but I still need to vent. I don't imagine college was always that hard. And it will only get harder.

Colds

Colds suck. I know this because I am suffering from one at the moment. It's better from a generic sickness, I suppose, but not by much.

Colds leave you miserable, tired and achy. Kind of like regular illnesses do. Your nose is chapped; your sinuses throb; your throat aches; sometimes, you even have a headache. The only thing that sucks about a cold is that there's nothing to treat it. Maybe a little Zyrtec and Advil to help out but the Zyrtec doesn't really make it go away. It might diminish the cold but the cold will always come back to haunt you throughout the day. Unless it turns into a sinus infection, the only things that can really help are sleep and time. 

Not to mention, that runny, cloggy feeling is a pain in the ass especially considering there aren't always tissues around. You have to do something about it, though, so you do. And then you start to dread tissues because your nose is so raw from them (but it's the only way).

Also, once a cold decides to stay, it stays. You might blow your nose but it'll only come back full force (or even more). So you have to fight it with tissues until it exhausts itself. 

You can't even stay home, either, unless it's a really bad head cold. My cold doesn't qualify right now.

Guess I just have to keep on suffering, though.

Taking Risks

Taking risks is a part of life, however frightening it might be. You have to risk making a move and telling someone how you feel and buying that stock even if you might fail. Truly, it's unavoidable.

If you don't take risks, you might be safe but you'll be stuck in the same old place forever. And that's no fun, is it? Uncertainty and regret are probably some of the worst feelings that there are if you think about it. If you take a risk, you might get burned but at least you'll be able to get some closure and move on (however hard it might be). If you don't, you'll never know. And if you never know, you'll never be able to live with yourself.

This might not seem like much in the moment. Sometimes, the fear is so overwhelming that it might be easier to dismiss that. Yet it will bite you later on as soon as that opportunity has went away. You'll always wonder and the ache of wondering will never go away.

This is also a hard concept to remember after failure. After failure, all you want to do is curl up in a ball and give up. It makes you wish you never tried in the first place because it hurts so much. I've been taking a lot of personal risks lately. One even recently blew up in my face in quite a big way (as much as I want to go into the details of that and rant about it here, I can't risk that). But you know what? I tried. I tried the best I could and now I don't have to live with a what if.

Taking risks is important in life, though. It's how you advance not only in life but as a person. It makes you stronger but it helps you grow up. And even though I'm not sure I'm glad I did it this time right now, I know one day that I will be.

My Daily Battle with My Locker

My locker is evil. It is stubborn, belligerent and downright nasty. I know you might shake your head and laugh at this, dear reader, but it’s the truth. My locker has been hand-delivered by Satan, no kidding. Harsh claims, I know, but I have proof!

It must be about ninety years old or something. Maybe it’s even ageless, some sort of immortal being that has been cast off to my school somehow. And it’s hardly what I can call a real locker; rather, it’s a pit that I have to throw my stuff in. It’s not straight and easy to close as most lockers. Instead, it is crooked like it has been pried open many times by a crow bar (maybe it has been). It might look innocent but it’s not. I know it’s hard to believe but I’m pretty sure it’s actively plotting against me.

To close the stupid thing is a battle of the wills. And that thing sure does have a will. Simply shutting it like a normal locker won’t do. No, that would be too easy and much too kind of it to do. The thing refuses to close unless I give it no other choice. In order to close it, I have to slam it shut and sometimes not even that works. Instead, it sprouts up again and echoes as it does almost as if cackling at my failure.

In situations like that, it takes a combination of slamming it shut and then pressing up against it until it closes for good. Even then, sometimes it doesn't close all the way and at that point, I've usually become so exhausted that I don’t care and I just tell myself that I've done the best I could. After all, the point of it is just to keep it shut. I don’t even bother to lock it as that would be just another hassle.

God forbid when I get my trapper keeper stuck when I close it or something. Then it’s even more difficult. When I get to this stage, I’m playing a literal tug of war with it.

I don’t have the luxury of going to my locker before class. That would make me much too late. No, instead, I can only rely on my locker during my free periods and hope it doesn't consume too much of it. Sometimes, I just leave the thing open and try to remember to close the thing when I have the time.

I've had plenty of other lockers but none have been this cruel. Inconveniently located yes but not cruel. In fact, I didn't even know it was possible for a locker to be cruel. Yet alas, it turns out it is. I have no idea what I've done to deserve its hatred but I don’t think it’s personal (the locker just by its very nature would be difficult).

My locker has been becoming a source of dread for me. When I open it, I have to ask myself, Do I really want to open this? And the answer is usually no, unless I absolutely need the textbook or need to store the textbook overnight. The opening part isn't so hard, of course; it’s what will results afterwards. And sometimes, I’m seriously not in the mood or don’t have the time to handle that. I try to prepare myself and all of my materials ahead of time but that’s not always so easy.

So yes, my locker is evil. Don’t believe me? You should come down to the rec room to see my battle with my locker in question. After that, there’s truly no debating it. In fact, you can practically see its smirk and its scheming eyes

Dawn

 I take the bus when it's still dark out. I know, I know, early but it's what I have to do if I'm going to go to this school. But at the very least I get to see the dawn when I'm on the long bus ride there. I've been doing this for about a week now and still, the ride manages to lull me into a more relaxed state.

I've learned about the patterns of dawn while I've been awake sitting on the bus when there's nothing else to do. 

Occasionally, I sleep but at that point, I usually am tired but too awake to fall asleep.
At first, the sky just lightens. Slowly. It becomes less dark: from pitch black to just black to dark gray to just gray. Sometimes, it even turns blue when I'm on the bus although that usually comes later.

Rarer yet, sometimes I even see the sunrise. A mish mash of oranges and yellows (sometimes even pink), I can't help but stare.

I soak in the beauty of the sky from my bus seat. It's a beautiful greeting, almost like a fresh start. And when I see the sky sometimes I think of the other people around the world who had borrowed the sun when I was asleep.

It's amazing all I see before the rest of the world even opens their eyes. I've never got to see any of it before.

Written at 6:46 this morning

The Walk

Last Sunday, I took a walk around the park with my dad, sister, dog and grandfather. We wanted to get out of the house and breathe in the great outdoors. As you can imagine, we were quite the team: my grandfather in his scooter, my dog having to be dragged around and panting as if she was about to give birth. I even took a short video of all of our troubles.

We went on the trails, paved and unpaved. Again, an interesting sight. We had to stop every five seconds because my grandfather's scooter got stuck on a branch or something like that. I'm not complaining because it gave me time to take some awesome shots (although despite those frequent stops, I still had to run to catch up to the group).

It was worth it, though, given the beauty of the nature we encountered. At one point, we even got to the water. We got to sit on the rocks and watch our feet dangle below. My dad wasn't able to go as he had to keep the dog from jumping in the water and it would be too risky for my grandfather to go there with his scooter. I got to take some really great shots there although the whole time I was terrified I was going to drop my camera or fall or both (I am rather clumsy). Fortunately, none of these things happened.

Eventually, we called it a day and went out to the truck. Finally, we were back to civilization and on a paved path again! We were also able to find where we parked, which was even more amazing given that all of the paths pretty much looked the same.

We finished off the day with ice cream from the ice cream truck. The dog, at this point, was about to keel over and collapse but we gave her a nice helping of water to help her out with that.
All in all, it was a good (albeit a strange one, in many ways) day and gave me a hearty dose of nature that I'm usually not exposed to.

I Missed the Bus

Well I finally did it. I missed the bus. It would have been a whole lot easier if I missed it at my public school but I missed it here at a place a half an hour away. Whoops.

I was too busy talking to my friends and I didn't even realize that the bus was rolling away. 

But sure enough, it did.

I was shocked at first. In denial. After all, that had never happened to me before so why should it happen to me then? But it did. Somehow, despite how careful I had always tried to be before, I missed the bus and in the worst place possible to miss said bus. 

At first, in my shock, I thought this:

And then this: 

I just stared at my one friend who missed his bus too and we just looked at each other.

He shrugged.

I just said, "Shit! Shit! Shit!"

He stared at me, asking me why I was so nervous. I told him my parents would probably be pissed and he just gave me his sympathies.

We tried to bum a ride home from someone. It would have worked too if someone at the school didn't try to stop us. So that was a bummer.

With that not working, he called his parents. No response.

I cursed again but this time I was dishing out f bombs too at this point.

It was inevitable. I would have to call my parents.

I took a deep breath and did expecting to be flayed. 

"Are you kidding me?" my dad asked. "Are you kidding me?"

He sounded pretty pissed.

"Sorry," I said. 

"I'll have to call your mother."

"Okay."

I called my mother too, who was unleashing f bombs worse than I was (a pretty impressive feat). Eventually, it was decided that my dad would pick me up when he was able to.

I realized that my friend probably thought my parents were psychos at the end of this conversation but I didn't care. I was too frazzled but I wanted to hide my shot nerves from him. 

It wasn't too bad. We ate dinner with the boarders and hung out. Eventually, one of my boarder friends joined us and we just had a blast together.

By the time my dad picked us up, he was no longer upset (although he claimed he never had been, just annoyed). My friend realized that my parents weren't psychos but just fallible people and then he fell asleep (presumably exhausted from the whole ordeal) while I started to write this blog post. 

Missing the bus happens sometimes. People make mistakes. I never thought that it would happen to me but it did. I know better this time, though. I also know I seriously need to work on getting my driver's license that much more.