A difference. Many adults tell us to cherish them yet they don't mean it. The media, much of the government, our peers all want to make us into some homogeneous person that they can more easily manipulate and control. Or maybe they want us to be that person because difference to them is a scary, alien thing and they have been kept ignorant about differences for so long. Whatever it is, the different are persecuted so often.
I am different. A few other kids are too. We are the outlier, looking inside a world that we cannot be a part of. Yet I am not all that different. I may think and feel more deeply than my peers but at least, I can understand them (at least somewhat). At least, I'm not visibly different but I'm only different once you get to know me. If I wanted to, I could probably dumb down my words, pretend to like what everyone else does and generally not stick out to anyone at all. I could "fit in".
That isn't the case with everyone. Some people have certain characteristics that stick out like a black stain on a wedding dress. For some, being themselves means they wear clothes that are too masculine or feminine to be deemed "normal". Some have physical characteristics that get them teased. Others, however, may appear fine physically but it's obvious that something's "not right about them" once they start talking. For many with Asperger's, they are not able to act "normal" socially and are often mocked because of that.
This is pertinent because of one of the short stories I'm writing. It's about a boy whose twin brother has Asperger's and is getting teased because he's different; the boy is learning to accept his brother while trying to act "cool".
Before I continue, I should probably point out what Asperger's is. Asperger's is considered at the mild end of the autism spectrum and it can vary in its severity. Although the "aspie" can have a number of symptoms(a slang term for someone with Asperger's), Asperger's is mainly marked by an inability to function socially the way neurotypicals (average people) do. In order to be diagnosed with Asperger's instead of some other condition, the patient has to be verbal, not have had any other developmental delays and has to have reported significant social difficulty that has interfered into some important area of their life. They can have a variety of "odd" behaviors including an obsession with something, a need for routine, lack of facial expression and apparent lack of empathy as well as others. Many have meltdowns because of their frustration with dealing with this.
However, it should be noted that many with Asperger's don't view it as a disorder but a difference. Some disagree with its connection with autism even. Many with Asperger's are very intelligent. They also often have an excellent memory and, because they think differently than most, are excellent at finding solutions to problems many can't see.
I've interviewed many with the condition via YouTube and Yahoo Answers and I received an overwhelming response (before I continue, I would like to thank and acknowledged all who responded to my survey). Many reported that they were or are loners in school, that they feel left out, that they have been bullied often to the point that they are unable to trust others and want nothing to do with them.
This is unacceptable. I'd imagine that an aspie might make quite an easy target. They can't pick up on a lot of social things and they're often overly trusting. Any different person makes an easy target because they have something the bullies can use.
Bullying destroys lives. Some kids kill themselves because of it and even if they don't, they're often left irrevocably scarred by this.
The message in society is that we're supposed to act a certain way. We're supposed to like certain things, follow certain social conventions and sacrifice ourselves to fit it. There's often an unwritten idea that those who don't do this have something wrong with them. Different isn't wrong, though. It's just different.
Different people are often the ones who have advanced society, first of all. Those people thought of the box to formulate ideas and create technologies that have changed society. At the very least, different people have often made people think.
We often make things interesting. We do this by being the talk of people or starting up a conversation no one has thought to start. Many different people are also kind of fun to look at, too (Goths, scenes and rebel dressers, this is for you). We also provide a bit of variety where seemingly none exists.
By offering variety, we often offer up different choices for people to choose from. You don't just have to have the same type of friend but you can have a bunch! Yay!!!
Also, everyone, to a degree, is different. It's obvious that suppressing yourself leads to bad things. It can even cause you to go off the deep end like guys who randomly kill their wives and kids or vent your frustrations in negative ways. Being yourself is freeing, causes less stress, gets you more compatible friends and is fun. Different people are just reaping the benefits so why punish them?
If these reasons aren't compelling enough, then at least consider our humanity. We are people too and we deserve to be treated with respect. You know do on to others as you would want done to you. No one deserves to be bullied and made to feel ashamed, degraded and humiliated. No one.
Tolerance isn't enough. Tolerance is just letting something be. Acceptance is believing that something is okay.
Accepting differences is the first step that we can take to create a better society for ourselves and others. So remember the next time you think that you want to bully or exclude someone because they're different, think of this.
From Merriam-Webster's (the important definitions)
Voice: 1) a sound resembling or suggesting vocal utterance
2) a: wish, choice, or opinion openly or formally expressed <the voice of the people>
b: right of expression; also: influential power
Choice: 1) the act of selecting freely and after consideration
The act of screaming can only be done in a place where screams are allowed to be heard. When cries for something better are not allowed to be heard, then I'd have to say that that's definitely a problem. It's more than a problem- it's censorship. I began thinking about this more both after watching the move "Lemonade Mouth" (yes it's Disney but it wasn't that bad) and watching a video about censoring books on YouTube with a bunch of authors (including the amazing Laurie Halse Anderson).
I already wrote an article about this, actually, and it got published in my local newspaper. However, I still feel that this represents a greater problem. When you begin to censor things, that can lead to all sorts of nasty things.
It can lead to a wider oppression and it can also lead to certain things not being faced in a society. Since books deal with certain issues and portraying them in a certain way, the lack of books about certain subjects can influence how people see things. It can also leave people in the dark about things since books have often opened people's eyes to things (think Silent Spring, Grapes of Wrath, etc). It robs people of the chance to express themselves and to introduce their ideas and it robs people of the chance to decide whether or not they should listen up or not.
This isn't just about books, of course. Last year, my school district took away the voice and choices of students on two occasions. On one, they censored a piece of art that happened to show nudity. On another, they forbade classrooms to watch R-rated movies that were not on their pre-approved list (note that students were allowed to sit out of this by either parental wishes or their own and that parental permission was required ahead of time). Both times, they failed to look at the bigger picture- both the picture that many of these movies showed and what that art piece showed.
When you are censored, your voice is taken away. You may have had something valuable to say but it doesn't matter. In a censored world, everything is homogeneous and bland but people cannot even open their eyes to see the truth. Also, you may lose the chance to think critically about something or even just to savor it.
People should have the right to hear, speak, read and watch anything they want as long as this not violating the rights of anyone else. I don't even really care if someone's offended (or even if they are justified in this). This is a free country (or it least, it was. Some things are making me a little more doubtful about this). Parents should have the right to control what their kids are reading/watching and not some busybody who wants to get into everyone's business and decide what articles are appropriate for what ages (if any). Even then, most kids seriously know when they aren't ready to read a book and most will put it down if they are not.
Censorship, in any form, is an outrage and a direct attack on freedom.
Screaming is a very primal thing, especially a scream of outrage. Our voices should have the right to be heard. A free society is one with a cacophony of various voices.
Twisted. Today's society is twisted, twisted into a ball of knots that seems impossible to untangle. I have just finished reading the phenomenal book Twisted by Laurie Halse Anderson that explored tricky topics like family conflict, the true nature of high school and what it means to be a man in today's society.
I was astounded and it really got me thinking. In high school, one often looks to peers for guidance on how they should dress, act and behave. I know how it is to be a girl in high school but I've never seen the psyche of a teen boy explored as vividly as it was in this novel. It was an unflinching and often heartbreaking look into the disintegration into the family and at the increasing pressure that teen boys often face today.
I thought it was bad enough being a girl honestly. You have to worry about makeup and looking pretty, boys and being good enough for them, cliques, hormones and worrying about growing up. Then zits get in the way of that and you have to worry about that too. As a girl, if you have boobs, you want to be skinny. If you are skinny, you want boobs. No one ever wins the genetic lottery, no matter how pretty they are (oh and if they are pretty, they are condemned by other jealous girls and lusted after by horny guys). And then, on top of that, you have to worry about periods and everything else which is no small matter when you are actually having it (you know, worrying about gym and leaking and smelling and all those other nice things). There are a bunch of different people telling you how to be pretty, how you're supposed to act and all those different things and they all tell you different things.
Of course, I knew that being a guy sucked. I just never thought of the ways that being a guy sucked.
The societal restraints on guys, I admit, are massive. Many guys feel like they have to take on this ridiculous macho attitude to impress girls and seem cool (a behavior I have witnessed firsthand). Violence is glorified; most affection is condemned. As a girl, I am allowed to hug my friends and do so frequently but a guy who does so is considered gay (I do recongize that most guys probably think and show their appreciation differently). I believe that this macho culture has gotten better in the US but I think that there are still many men who are afraid to be sensitive and show affection.
Guys are encouraged to be promiscous and damn the consequences. Never mind thinking of the girls involved and their feelings; never mind even giving any consideration to how a girl feels. Any guy who is "sensitive" and "sweet" is deemed a pushover by his other male peers.
Oh and guys have some of the same pressures to look good as us girls do. People talk about the objectification of girls and women (which is usually always used in a stupid, ineffective way), but no one talks about the objectification of boys and men in today's society. I don't suppose that male porn stars and the male Hollister/Abercrombie/ad models register to people. While female models are pressured to look skinny, male models are pressured to look "buff". This is achieved by unhealthy means such as steroids and a deadly combination of starving and working out. As a result, guys have body issues also though this is often ignored.
Also, I do believe that I would take periods over boners every day because at least those are easy to hide. Reading the effects of girls who break the dress code on guys in Twisted was both funny and sympathy-producing. I've actually rarely (if ever) thought about it in depth.
Another thing that this book made me think about was the effect that parents have on their children. Of course, I'd imagine that fathers have the same effect on boys that mothers have on girls. They shape them into the people that they are and teach them how to think. If so many fathers think that this stupid macho thing is the way to go, then their sons will try to do the same. I'd imagine that those who don't have good relationships with their same-sex parent have a more slanted view on the way that they see the world and often have to find a lot of things out on their own (that is, if these parents are in their life. I'm sure that those who happen not to have one in their life are better off than those who deal with constant negative interactions with them).
Fortunately, there seem to be plenty of men and boys who are breaking these stereotypes but never have I thought of the effects of them so much and had such a vivid picture of it as I have in this book.
Like I have said before, society included each and every one of us. To change these thoughts, we must work on eliminating these stereotypes and these thoughts in order to produce a better, healthier society.
Midterms. On this supposed half day (I was "sick" today due to a lack of important things to do, ha ha), I now have time to kick back and just to write to my heart's content. As usual, things turned out well and now I have a few less things to worry about.
I swear, the idea of midterms is a ridiculous concept. It would be one thing if it was just like any other test but of course, it's not. It counts for (wait for the sound of the scary drums), one quarter of my grade. Now that's certainly enough to keep someone up at night! I mean, isn't all of this useless crap just meant to be forgotten? It's not like I'll ever see it again (except for the finals, of course).
I mean, there are so many questions. These questions don't take certain things into account either like having a bad day or anything like that. Or, in the case of Math, there aren't as many questions but they count for a bunch of points.
Isn't there another way they can test us? I almost feel that that's what school is all about, just tests. I know they're preparing us for college and everything but I still don't get why college has to be like that, either.
At the very least, I suppose it's nice that not every subject gave a midterm and it was also nice that they split it up into a few days. Splitting it up into a few days gave me some time to prep for each of them.
First, it was Spanish. I should know my grade but I think my teacher forgot to mention it. Either way, I have a B so I suppose that it's good enough for me. The Spanish midterm was actually pretty easy and I suppose that has to do with the fact that they technically weren't allowed to post fake words (usually when I get something wrong because I conjugate it wrong). I have to say though, they made up for the easiness by having so many questions that I started to get tired at the end. Of course, Spanish has to come in the last period too (I think they should give us extra points for that.
Then, it was Math. Math, the evil subject that has been haunting me since I first switched my subject. I prepped like crazy over it and my tutor was my lifesaver (I have no idea what I would do without it). I mean, I did so many problems again and again and again. There ended up being thirty-one problems on there. I was so paranoid about watching for signs (you know, whether a number is negative or positive. They love to mess you up with signs). The midterm for Math was a total of 160 points to make it a quarter of our grade- something completely nuts, I know. I finally got a decent grade on my midterms- a B (85%)! My mom was so thrilled with that that she took me out and got me a large milkshake, which made me feel even more self-conscious about Math (but was, I admit, very delicious).
My final one was Science. It's kind of strange how good I am at Science and how terrible I am at Math. Science has always been super-easy and I get done things more quickly than everyone else does. There were almost eighty questions (yes, my eyes were tired) and I was kind of worried about finishing it but I finished about fifteen minutes before class ended and read a book. I usually get an A on most of my tests but I got a B plus on my midterm (I suppose that's pretty good considering I didn't really study and we studied it a while ago). I ended the marking period with an A minus.
I'm super glad that midterms are over. Fortunately, I won't have to worry about any of this until the end of the year when finals come.
Midterms. Someone should write a petition against them or something.
Confrontation. It has such a negative tone to it but is it really all that bad? All it means is to face something and to deal with it. Sometimes, this is quite a necessary thing to do being as it helps both parties.
I have yet to see how it helps me. I must say, though, it was quite a relief.
She came up again. I'm sure that any reader could pinpoint her, from the numerous references that I made on my blog. For some reason, I decided to write to her and tell her how I felt about what had happened. I just wanted to hear the truth from her so that maybe I could move on with my life.
And, actually, I did. I do feel that I have a whole new insight into the situation and I don't feel as angry. Yes, it seemed like something big and scary but now I'm definitely glad I did it. It's as if a huge boulder has just been lifted off of my chest.
Confrontation is, in the most basic way, standing up for yourself. When you are confronting someone, you are standing up for your rights. At the very least, you're telling someone, "Hey I don't like it". At the most, you're arguing and spitting into someone's face but you are still kind of saying, "This is how I feel."
Of course, it's a terrible, stupid thing to be stubborn. I have been and kind of still am and it's a waste of time. It's a very narrow-minded mindset to have and it only ends up pushing people away. When you constantly push your feelings into other peoples' faces, you are denying yourself the possibility of seeing their view.
Yet, at the same time, I believe the opposite is worse. The opposite is to avoid fights and to avoid all confrontation. It's to take the crap that people throw you. To not even wear it as a badge but to quietly let it be chucked at you. That, I believe, is more of where I'm at now but I'm working to dig myself out of the hole. I would like to say that I'm assertive and confident but that isn't realistic.
I have to say, I wish I did this sooner. This was a long, drawn out process for me and now I feel it's finally coming to an end.
I think she finally knows how last year affected me. At the same time, though, I think I'm beginning to understand how last year affected her. She graciously answered my e-mails even when they were scathing and quite strongly worded at times. They also helped me come to a new conclusion.
What she did was wrong. I made some mistakes too, of course, but what she did was still wrong. I get it now, though. She was lost and confused and she was only thinking of herself. She was trying to further advance herself and in the back of her mind, she put me away. When she saw me sitting alone and struggling, she turned away from me because she wanted the other kids to like her. Maybe she wasn't entirely aware of this but that's what happened nonetheless.
I should have been more assertive of my rights then. I should have turned away from her and tried to have found new things to do, too. I should have called her in the summer, just to have said "hi". There's a lot of should have's there.
I forgive her, I think. I definitely don't hate her anymore. Selfishness is a crime that everyone is capable of, especially in that sort of environment. At the very least, I no longer believe that she meant me ill will or that her actions were deliberate. It wasn't even all her fault, either, but just the way everything was set up.
But she knows. And I know. With that very confrontation, I have set myself free and I have, somehow, stood my ground.
I just need to work on that a bit more. Maybe we all do. I need to start listening to that little voice in my brain that says, "I'm not going to take this".
Reality. It's a cold word, one that usually jerks us back from whatever daydream we dared to have. When it is uttered, it is usually said in a sad or bitter way with lips curling up at the sides and everything. When a writer writes fantasy, the goal is often to allow the reader to escape from whatever reality they happen to be in (even though they might borrow traces from the real world and bend it to their will).
A realistic fiction writer has to write it the way it is, however. The goal of the realistic fiction writer isn't to make readers escape from reality but to face it. Some realistic fiction writers write about shallow, mundane things and others write about big problems that make you think. Fantasy writers can do this, of course, by basing things off of things in the real world but realistic fiction forces you to do this in a much more direct way.
My new story idea requires me to write about a whole range of issues and in a whole different set of ways. I'm writing in a variety of genders, ages and personalities. I'm having a great time with it right now.
I am trying to face reality in the most direct way possible through the new story idea that I've started to write. I consider this quite a heavy task because many of the characters are so unlike me and have so many unique problems.
It's actually a lot of fun but I've noticed that there is a distinct art with portraying reality. It makes or breaks a piece of writing. Telling from some of Jodi Picoult's later books (she's on a downward spiral, currently), if you don't realistically portray an issue than it ruins the whole story.
Obviously, people who seek out realistic fiction books seek them out for a reason. They are looking to connect with the characters and an issue, even if they never knew about it previously before. As a writer, you have to give them that. If you cut corners and don't do your research, it can impact a lot of things.
Also, telling from some of the YA books I've read, how you portray a certain reality is very important. Some of the YA books that I've read such as Speak, Thirteen Reasons Why, and Crank save lives and help kids come out with the issues that they face. It's also informed kids about these issues, including me.
The issues that many authors and I portray, however, are issues that many would like to sweep under the rug. Many just want to turn away and pretend some issues don't happen like bullying and even more serious issues like teen drug use, rape, eating disorders, etc. These people claim to protect children but really, by keeping them ignorant, they are harming them.
It should also be noted that the world isn't exactly a terrible place, either, and there are plenty of beautiful, fun things to write about alongside the bad. I think books help to capture all of this in a new way and can give the reader a bird's eye view on the topic.
Portraying reality is something that I believe every writer should undertake, whether they are a fantasy writer or not. There are just some things that need to be exposed, dealt with and shared for the rest of the world.
Even though everyone tells you to be yourself, so often that never seems to work. Apparently, no one can please everybody but everyone sure tries hard to please everyone. There is a secret social code that one must follow though it never seems to be there.
Pleasing people. It's a fine art. Probably, I'd imagine, that those who do it the best don't even think about it at all. I, on the other hand, register my every move, analyze every little thing that people say and try my hardest to read their body language so that I can know when to jump into the conversation and not to. Then, of course, I cater to their every need. It's probably better to not please people than to please them but I never was good at that.
I feel like all I try to do is please people and I always fail. Lately this process is getting quite exhausting for me and I'm kind of getting sick of it. Yet again, I suppose most don't have inferiority and failure complexes getting in the way of their social interactions. I have to say, that's something that always affects me quite a bit.
Whenever I talk to someone, I always assume that I have to be the one to impress them. When I talk, I feel like I have to make them want to talk to me because they probably don't already. I always assume that they're probably all casual and not worrying about everything like I do. Maybe they might have a nice time talking to me and everything but at the end of the day, when I go away they'll end up forgetting all about me and I'll have to start fresh in terms of impressing them.
A bad part about my need to impress people/keep them interested in me is that I let things slide too easily. This caused a particular problem in a variety of my friendships and it also caused me to get taken advantage of numerous times.
I also am kind of afraid that I give in too easily and that I don't state what I want clearly enough. I allow a lot in a friendship and I take a lot of crap from people because I feel I have to. I also always try to find a way to pin it on myself and take the blame because letting the other person take the blame might mean... I'm not sure but it always ends up stopping me. Yet, while the other person is blameless, I am always at fault. I can interpret even the most harmless of things. Anyway, this situation is especially true when it comes to my one friend who has quite a dominant personality. The problem is, though, when I stay quiet it simmers and then it ends up festering which causes resentment. Often, I recognize that this resentment isn't earned.
I believe that this happens because of my deepest, darkest fear. For a long time, I couldn't even articulate it in to words. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. I'm afraid that no one secretly likes me and that I'm a pest. Because of this, I think that's why I work so hard to prove otherwise.
Right now, I'm trying to seriously impress a bunch of girls into being my friend because I really, really like being around them and they impress me. Not to mention they're super-smart. I'm afraid of being friends with one of them because I don't know whether she would take advantage of me or whether some of her light-hearted, sarcastic comments might seriously hurt me (I also think she thinks I'm weak but doesn't say it. She takes no prisoners). I'm just so terrified that they think I'm pathetic, a loser, a pest. I know these thoughts are irrational but I can't stop them. Right now, I'm trying really, really hard to win them over but I don't know how well it's working.
Learning to please people is a delicate task and one that I probably need to give up. I also probably need to start doing things for me, rather than trying to do them for someone else. Alas, old habits die hard.
I've learned that it's impossible to say the right thing all the time. You're bound to screw up and sometimes, that offends people. I suppose then is the time you have to make up for it without sacrificing your integrity.
Alas, these are things I need to work on. Unfortunately, old habits die hard.
I'm still working on it.
Society views them as cute, innocent, capable of no harm. There are, of course, those who view them in a different light- as evil, creepy little beings- but that view is considered cynical and those who have it are considered to have something wrong with them. Yes, children. The little things we are supposed to love.
I have never felt a fondness for children but after iceskating today, I feel a strange urge to go down to my cul-de-sac and start shoving a bunch of little kids to the ground. That was, after all, what those little kids at the iceskating rink were doing to the others there even though it wasn't exactly intentional.
The thing is there were so many of them. Not even kidding. It was almost as if they kept multiplying. There had to have been twice as many people there as usual and they made up most of those little kids. I heard that it was because of a birthday party or something. I swear these little kids are lacking both eyes and common sense because they kept running around and into people like blind people without a seeing eye dog. Someone of an older age, obviously would know to make them use a walker if they can't skate and especially their parents (who were conspicuously absent).
I'm aware about how screwed-up and bitter that sounds. However, let me redeem myself. Most of the time, I do not feel this way and I do not even feel hatred for small children. It's just that I simply am unable to understand them, something that goes back to kindergarten when I exhibited many Asperger-like qualities (not kidding- speech delays, lack of empathy, obsession, inability to understand/work with my peers. Odd). My inability to understand how their minds work often translates to frustration.
If there are a lot of people, wouldn't it make sense to recognize that and try to look out for them? If you are iceskating for the first time, wouldn't it make sense to use a walker? Oh and for the parents of these children- if your small child is iceskating for the first time, wouldn't it make sense for someone to accompany them? Maybe I'm missing out on something here, like the average child's ability to make decisions and to think logically. That is where the frustration against children begins to look something like hatred and a little bit of insanity to some.
I don't know... In general, I think I have a hard time relating to small children because their interests are bizarre and they think and speak in such simplistic terms. Of course, they're children and cannot be expected to think differently. I know I was once that way, too. It's just strange to me, though. I can't imagine myself having a kid and having to talk to one all of the time.
One thing that frustrates me even more than children is childish behavior that comes from people who are not children. Especially when I am provoked to act in such childish behaviors. I mention this because that was also relevant to today and because, well, it's relevant all of the time in high school.
It's amazing how so many in my school, boys especially, seem to revert back to infancy in their behaviors. At least infants aren't as cruel however. The worst thing is is when they try to make comments and egg YOU on.
And then, of course, there was an incident today when I was fighting with my dad about ice cream. Yep, ice cream. He apologized later but he was being very immature about it. Basically, we went to this store and my sister and I bought ice cream. My mom did too but she didn't want to eat it all and was giving it away. So I ate a few bites and then my dad wanted it. I gave it to him but tried to swipe a few bites. He started to freak out and was all like, "If you want the ice cream so badly, have it." Then he was all like "it would have been nice to have ice cream" like every five seconds but denying my offer of having it.
Yeah, I know, immature. I admit to being immature too, fighting in the car about it. Fights about stupid things do not only raise your blood pressure but are an intense waste of time.
And, of course, that was my day.
Run, run, run. That's all I seem to be doing lately, all that I've been doing all year and quite frankly I'm getting quite tired from it. It's a mental and physical fatigue that seems to fill me every minute of the day (even in sleep). I've been adjusting to it but I am still kind of sick of it and yearn for a bit of freedom. I can't believe how I took it for granted in the days that I was less active in things.
I seem to yearn some sweet thing that I have always taken for granted. That sweet little thing is time.
I write this because I will have to scramble to yet another thing tonight and I yearn to break free from homework and stress.
Some may say that you only need food, water and shelter to survive but I disagree. You need time too and when you don't have enough of it, you have deficiencies in other things (sleep and sanity being the main ones). Time is the drug that all of us crave and all of us need to be able to survive.
Sometimes, inactivity creates boredom and yet other times it seems to create peace. I believe that for me it would do the latter. It did when I was on holiday break. I'm barely a week into it and I already crave it.
Time is a thief yet it is also the only thing that enables us to do anything. Human beings have a warped relationship with it. It ticks slowly in the background and you have to race to do all the little things and before you know it... Years have passed and you're suddenly so much older but with a bunch of other little things to do. When I looked at my diary yesterday, I realized that all the more. Looking back on that kind of thing and just thinking about it is mind-boggling. Eventually seconds become minutes which become hours which become days which become months which become years which become decades. It sounds like a simple progression but it happens so quickly.
This leads me to believe that time is as precious as gold. Obviously, if it's so rare, then we as human beings absolutely have to make the most of it. We have to live it up in the best way we can and just grab it before it's too late. One of the greatest tragedies, I've come to think, is a waste of time.
Time. As I sit here now, I crave it. However, I am stuck with the knowledge that it will eventually consume itself and vanish into thin air.
Guilt. It eats at your soul and bites at your heart. There is nothing to say to alleviate but it is just there like a shadow that won't go away. It can be summoned by a brief infraction or a terrible mistake. Sometimes, for me, it can be brought up for no reason at all.
Lately, I have been consumed by guilt. Random, useless guilt that gets me nowhere and only makes me feel like crap. I don't know why but lately I am always afraid that I have something horribly wrong and I am always afraid that anything I do wrong will have such a negative effect on someone else. It claws away at me for the tiniest reasons and I am brought down on my knees. This has started happening since early December and it's only been getting worse.
It seeps into my pores and it doesn't let go. It comes in flashes. Sometimes I'm fine and other times it just consumes me. When it happens, I smile but I just want to give everyone a hug and be like, "I'm sorry, sorry, sorry for everything." I don't know why but I do. And I kind of want people to tell me that nothing is wrong so that I can quell the thoughts about me doing something wrong.
Sometimes I just feel guilty for being alive. It's not that I want to die or anything like that but I just feel sometimes that my parents and everyone would be better off without me. I just feel like all I do is screw up. I know it's stupid but I can't stop thinking it. It's just stuff like that. I just do stuff and remember stuff and I keep worrying that I'm not good enough for anybody else.
The worst part is when I feel guilty for things that are someone else's fault. Sometimes my sister will say stuff, for instance, but I feel like I made her say it. Sometimes this makes me give in to things and let myself be treated in a way less than how I should be treated, which makes me feel like a doormat (that's literally what my sister called me yesterday and that's how I feel).
I'm trying to think why I'm feeling like this and I'm starting to wonder why. I've had an inferiority complex for quite a while so I guess that could be it (and so it said on Yahoo Answers). I mean, I've been doing pretty well with burying my perfectionist tendencies so maybe this is that coming to the surface. I mean both have to do with not feeling good enough so I guess that makes sense.
I thought I was doing pretty well too but now I'm not so sure. I'm probably going to have a string of really weird dreams now.
It's just really frustrating. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome it and forget about it. At the very least, it will make an awesome poem.
2012. If you look on my blog post, it will now separate my blog entries from 2011 and the ones from 2012, the ones that I will write here.
I wrote many of my thoughts here yesterday though I definitely think they are worth revisiting. I have quite a few blog posts that are still in the waiting, of course, but I wanted to start off the year on a happy note. View it as superstition if you would like (it's the closest I'll ever come to any sort of silly tradition) but here it is.
I will start out this new year with good thoughts and hopefully some peace of mind. Maybe if I can start out the new year right, then I can make sure that the rest of the year will end up alright too. That's my official plan.
I marked 2012 with a piece of chocolate. Lindt chocolate, one of those milk chocolate balls that melts into your mouth. I figured I should start out a new year with one of the best substances that I could find around the house.
Before that, we had been sitting around the house watching that Dick Clark show on Fox. All of these trashy mainstream singers performed songs but I wasn't really listening to them. I was ending the year with some interesting conversation from my uncle who had stayed over for dinner and ended up staying until midnight.
Of course, marking the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 didn't end there. My mom wanted to mark it off with a visit to church so she ended up dragging me there (it's alright. I zoned out of the service and I even got Wendy's afterwards so it worked out for me). Of course, I still have to mark the beginning of the year with the marking of my resolutions(including a special workout. Yay!). I also have to write my first diary entry in my bright red January journal just to finish off the day and all of the thoughts I have now.
2012. I can't say that I expect a miracle out of this year and that I'm expecting so much to happen to me. My anxiety will still be here as well as the same problems I had in 2011. I'm sure that I will be given a heap of projects to complete too but that's to complain about in another blog post here.
I'll have to go to school tomorrow. Things will be the same as usual, I imagine, and in no time I will be on that same routine. Like I said in my previous post, some things remain constant.
Happy New Year, everyone.
