Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Confrontation and the Truth in the Middle

Confrontation. It has such a negative tone to it but is it really all that bad? All it means is to face something and to deal with it. Sometimes, this is quite a necessary thing to do being as it helps both parties.

I have yet to see how it helps me. I must say, though, it was quite a relief.

She came up again. I'm sure that any reader could pinpoint her, from the numerous references that I made on my blog. For some reason, I decided to write to her and tell her how I felt about what had happened. I just wanted to hear the truth from her so that maybe I could move on with my life.

And, actually, I did. I do feel that I have a whole new insight into the situation and I don't feel as angry. Yes, it seemed like something big and scary but now I'm definitely glad I did it. It's as if a huge boulder has just been lifted off of my chest.

Confrontation is, in the most basic way, standing up for yourself. When you are confronting someone, you are standing up for your rights. At the very least, you're telling someone, "Hey I don't like it". At the most, you're arguing and spitting into someone's face but you are still kind of saying, "This is how I feel."

Of course, it's a terrible, stupid thing to be stubborn. I have been and kind of still am and it's a waste of time. It's a very narrow-minded mindset to have and it only ends up pushing people away. When you constantly push your feelings into other peoples' faces, you are denying yourself the possibility of seeing their view.

Yet, at the same time, I believe the opposite is worse. The opposite is to avoid fights and to avoid all confrontation. It's to take the crap that people throw you. To not even wear it as a badge but to quietly let it be chucked at you. That, I believe, is more of where I'm at now but I'm working to dig myself out of the hole.  I would like to say that I'm assertive and confident but that isn't realistic.

I have to say, I wish I did this sooner. This was a long, drawn out process for me and now I feel it's finally coming to an end.

I think she finally knows how last year affected me. At the same time, though, I think I'm beginning to understand how last year affected her. She graciously answered my e-mails even when they were scathing and quite strongly worded at times. They also helped me come to a new conclusion.

What she did was wrong. I made some mistakes too, of course, but what she did was still wrong. I get it now, though. She was lost and confused and she was only thinking of herself. She was trying to further advance herself and in the back of her mind, she put me away. When she saw me sitting alone and struggling, she turned away from me because she wanted the other kids to like her. Maybe she wasn't entirely aware of this but that's what happened nonetheless.

I should have been more assertive of my rights then. I should have turned away from her and tried to have found new things to do, too. I should have called her in the summer, just to have said "hi". There's a lot of should have's there.

I forgive her, I think. I definitely don't hate her anymore. Selfishness is a crime that everyone is capable of, especially in that sort of environment. At the very least, I no longer believe that she meant me ill will or that her actions were deliberate. It wasn't even all her fault, either, but just the way everything was set up.

But she knows. And I know. With that very confrontation, I have set myself free and I have, somehow, stood my ground.

I just need to work on that a bit more. Maybe we all do. I need to start listening to that little voice in my brain that says, "I'm not going to take this".

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