Monday, January 2, 2012
Guilt. It eats at your soul and bites at your heart. There is nothing to say to alleviate but it is just there like a shadow that won't go away. It can be summoned by a brief infraction or a terrible mistake. Sometimes, for me, it can be brought up for no reason at all.
Lately, I have been consumed by guilt. Random, useless guilt that gets me nowhere and only makes me feel like crap. I don't know why but lately I am always afraid that I have something horribly wrong and I am always afraid that anything I do wrong will have such a negative effect on someone else. It claws away at me for the tiniest reasons and I am brought down on my knees. This has started happening since early December and it's only been getting worse.
It seeps into my pores and it doesn't let go. It comes in flashes. Sometimes I'm fine and other times it just consumes me. When it happens, I smile but I just want to give everyone a hug and be like, "I'm sorry, sorry, sorry for everything." I don't know why but I do. And I kind of want people to tell me that nothing is wrong so that I can quell the thoughts about me doing something wrong.
Sometimes I just feel guilty for being alive. It's not that I want to die or anything like that but I just feel sometimes that my parents and everyone would be better off without me. I just feel like all I do is screw up. I know it's stupid but I can't stop thinking it. It's just stuff like that. I just do stuff and remember stuff and I keep worrying that I'm not good enough for anybody else.
The worst part is when I feel guilty for things that are someone else's fault. Sometimes my sister will say stuff, for instance, but I feel like I made her say it. Sometimes this makes me give in to things and let myself be treated in a way less than how I should be treated, which makes me feel like a doormat (that's literally what my sister called me yesterday and that's how I feel).
I'm trying to think why I'm feeling like this and I'm starting to wonder why. I've had an inferiority complex for quite a while so I guess that could be it (and so it said on Yahoo Answers). I mean, I've been doing pretty well with burying my perfectionist tendencies so maybe this is that coming to the surface. I mean both have to do with not feeling good enough so I guess that makes sense.
I thought I was doing pretty well too but now I'm not so sure. I'm probably going to have a string of really weird dreams now.
It's just really frustrating. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome it and forget about it. At the very least, it will make an awesome poem.