Thursday, January 12, 2012
Even though everyone tells you to be yourself, so often that never seems to work. Apparently, no one can please everybody but everyone sure tries hard to please everyone. There is a secret social code that one must follow though it never seems to be there.
Pleasing people. It's a fine art. Probably, I'd imagine, that those who do it the best don't even think about it at all. I, on the other hand, register my every move, analyze every little thing that people say and try my hardest to read their body language so that I can know when to jump into the conversation and not to. Then, of course, I cater to their every need. It's probably better to not please people than to please them but I never was good at that.
I feel like all I try to do is please people and I always fail. Lately this process is getting quite exhausting for me and I'm kind of getting sick of it. Yet again, I suppose most don't have inferiority and failure complexes getting in the way of their social interactions. I have to say, that's something that always affects me quite a bit.
Whenever I talk to someone, I always assume that I have to be the one to impress them. When I talk, I feel like I have to make them want to talk to me because they probably don't already. I always assume that they're probably all casual and not worrying about everything like I do. Maybe they might have a nice time talking to me and everything but at the end of the day, when I go away they'll end up forgetting all about me and I'll have to start fresh in terms of impressing them.
A bad part about my need to impress people/keep them interested in me is that I let things slide too easily. This caused a particular problem in a variety of my friendships and it also caused me to get taken advantage of numerous times.
I also am kind of afraid that I give in too easily and that I don't state what I want clearly enough. I allow a lot in a friendship and I take a lot of crap from people because I feel I have to. I also always try to find a way to pin it on myself and take the blame because letting the other person take the blame might mean... I'm not sure but it always ends up stopping me. Yet, while the other person is blameless, I am always at fault. I can interpret even the most harmless of things. Anyway, this situation is especially true when it comes to my one friend who has quite a dominant personality. The problem is, though, when I stay quiet it simmers and then it ends up festering which causes resentment. Often, I recognize that this resentment isn't earned.
I believe that this happens because of my deepest, darkest fear. For a long time, I couldn't even articulate it in to words. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. I'm afraid that no one secretly likes me and that I'm a pest. Because of this, I think that's why I work so hard to prove otherwise.
Right now, I'm trying to seriously impress a bunch of girls into being my friend because I really, really like being around them and they impress me. Not to mention they're super-smart. I'm afraid of being friends with one of them because I don't know whether she would take advantage of me or whether some of her light-hearted, sarcastic comments might seriously hurt me (I also think she thinks I'm weak but doesn't say it. She takes no prisoners). I'm just so terrified that they think I'm pathetic, a loser, a pest. I know these thoughts are irrational but I can't stop them. Right now, I'm trying really, really hard to win them over but I don't know how well it's working.
Learning to please people is a delicate task and one that I probably need to give up. I also probably need to start doing things for me, rather than trying to do them for someone else. Alas, old habits die hard.
I've learned that it's impossible to say the right thing all the time. You're bound to screw up and sometimes, that offends people. I suppose then is the time you have to make up for it without sacrificing your integrity.
Alas, these are things I need to work on. Unfortunately, old habits die hard.
I'm still working on it.